23 October 2015
Now seems like the perfect time to write a diary entry. I just got back from 9-Thrive Business Chicks event and have an hour to myself before my husband comes home. I have actually been thinking a lot about this diary entry throughout the month as there is so much to write. It is an understatement to say that this has been the most challenging month of the business so far and personally, the most life changing month of my life. I learnt three lessons this month; Resilience, my ego and well, you’ll see.
Last month was made hard by a couple of things in particular. Poor Renata got sick with Glandular Fever and was off for 3 weeks, which was hard on her of course, but seeing her and I are the only ones who design in this design business, the work piled up, and up, and up. My saving grace was that our new designer Rachel was starting and I would have another pair of hands to help me. Then, on the day she started the internet went down, so on her first day she had to work at a cafe across the road. Not a good start. Every day Telsta promised to fix it, every day they disappointed and I had to send people home. I got the point that I was so behind with work and there was nothing that I could do about it so I just emailed all my clients, cancelled all my meetings, sent everyone home once again and went to Central Park and laid on the grass and officially GAVE. UP. Then I went to lunch by myself and just wondered around the city. This was a good little turning point for me because I felt like things couldn’t hurt me anymore. I was caring so much for so long that I had reached a point where I was like you know what? I don’t care. Now looking back this doesn’t even seem that bad but at the time I was like ahhhh this is so hard. Sunday night came and I couldn’t sleep, I felt extremely anxious and resorted to one of my self help methods. I retreated to the couch and wrote down every negative thought I was having and then went back on the list and reversed the thought into a positive affirmation. I slept. I’m telling you this works. I messaged Jo in the morning and said, this week is going to be a GREAT week. Miraculously, the internet was fixed, Renata was back at work, Rachel turned up and we were back in business. This whole drama made me realise something, that attitude defines you. My low point was when I called my husband in the street in tears saying “I can’t do this anymore.” He said, “Rubbish, this is all out of your control and you are the most resilient person I know. If anyone can handle tough times, it’s you.” When life throws you lemons, throw them back in it’s face. Or just smugly juggle them and say “haha I got this!”
I was fortunate enough to have a bit of an epiphany this month about the ego. This all stemmed from something not going my own way which made me question why do I want this so bad anyway? If you follow my blog you would know that a few months back I had an encounter with a woman who had been a complete role model for me and since starting the business had dreamed of doing something with her or being in her magazine. I coincidentally met her, delivered my elevator pitch in my gym gear and secured a meeting. I met with some of her team, pitched a HUGE idea of a Festival of Dreams in Byron Bay, realised it was a little too big right now and then worked hard on a pitch for an article for her magazine instead. We had a professional photoshoot and crafted the story and despite various efforts, has gone nowhere. I am not good at not getting my own way and really had to work hard at not feeling bitter, but it did make me realise something. Why do I want this? Why am I succumbing to the idea that success means a double page feature in a magazine? Or someone I admire believing in a big idea I have for a festival? The door to be in this magazine was a dream that was wide open and sparkly and distracting and then it was slammed shut in my face and with a bit of time I know why. I don’t need to be “featured” to be successful, success is right here. Don’t put energy into things that don’t give it back, I should put that energy into my team, my work and my vision. Don’t get distracted by the ego! If it doesn’t serve your people or your vision then you are just doing it to feel special and people will eventually see through that. Yogi’s always say don’t attach yourself to the outcome. I get what this means now. I will be chuffed if it still happens but I am not hanging my hopes on it anymore and I feel better for it.
The other thing I learnt last month was...I’m pregnant! Well I actually found out September 14 but I obviously couldn’t write about it then and to be honest it is only just hitting me now. I was a week late, which I figured out one Sunday night and so the next morning I hit the self checkout at Woolworths, bought some home pregnancy tests and 15 mins later was delivered the news that would change my life forever! I woke Andrew up (who was off work sick) and said “How are you feeling? I have a surprise for you to make you feel better.” I sometimes make him breakfast so he just thought it was that and was secretly pissed that I had woken him up when he was off sick for a 7am breakfast. I led him to the balcony with his eyes closed and he was confronted by “the stick“ He was dazed, he was confused, we got emotional and I said, “We are having a baby!” It was the most surreal moment and all our times together flashed really fast in my mind and then stopped. Everything became very still at this moment. After all this time together, here we were, entering the next chapter of life and bringing our child into the world.
Now, this has always been a bit of a fear of mine with the businesses and success in general. My friends I am sure would suspect me as the last on the list to be pregnant as I am pretty focused with work but I am a family girl. It has never been a question of one or the other it has always been how will I do both and if I did have to choose, it would be family every time. I thought I would freak out a bit, but I didn’t. It just made me really focused and I feel like I have a great team now to support me through this. Whenever I start to think…”How am I going to do this?” I stop and say to myself…. “You were made for this. You will totally be able to do this!” And you know what? I believe it. I can’t wait to bring a little person into the world with my soul mate and teach and play and give “it” everything I know. Dream & Do isn’t going anywhere, my dream team just got bigger.
P.S. Read last month's Dream Diaries post HERE.